Stormy Weather

I love storms. When they come I prefer to sit right out in the middle of them. I love the sound of the rain drops bouncing off the fence posts and cascading through the gutter. I love seeing the cows run for the protection of the trees when the strong winds begin to blow. I love seeing lightning flash through the sky and waiting for the thrill of the thunder. I especially love it when we have friends and family over and I can talk them into watching the storm from the porch with us. I love cuddling under a blanket with Jarad and the dogs until the rain begins to blow sideways under the porch roof. I love rushing inside as the rain pelts on our backs, our feet, our blankets. I love slamming the door and laughing at how quickly the wind came.
Our life feels kind of stormy now, and I am learning to love parts of it as well. I love seeing that with God's help Jarad and I can withstand the lightning. I love how Jarad is so great at comforting me when the tears fall like rain. I love how the dogs can soothe me or make me laugh, even when the world around me seems so dark. I love that those same friends and family have been with us through this storm, and we can weather it together. And just as I enjoy the thrill of waiting for the thunder, I am enjoying the thrill of waiting for God's plan to unfold before us.
I don't know how long this storm will last, but I do know that while it's here, I should enjoy the weather. And when it's gone, I'll appreciate the sunshine even more than ever.

Step By Step

I don't really know how to put together words for what's going on right now, but I'm going to try. Partially because writing is a release, and partially because I can't really leave this post as my most recent post, you know?
There are a thousand things I could tell you that led to this point, but the bottom line is, our adoption failed. One birthparent wanted to have an adoption and sign parental rights away, the other admitted they never intended to sign. Legally, ethically, morally... we just can't do it that way.
We're hurt, disappointed, confused. But the truth is, I've known all along that this could happen, and if so it would be our job to face it with Christ as our guide. He was hurt. He was disappointed. He was confused. So we'll just do our best to get through this step by step, and wait for the next part of His plan.
Here's what sucks: crying in the car, having people pity us, hearing that song that I knew I'd sing to her, trying to imagine how to tell my parents and friends, and perhaps worst of all... my students.
Here's what I've learned so far: Jarad is the best guy ever, our relationship only grows stronger, our friends and family are great, and I am blessed.
That's all for now.

Adoption Timeline As of Late

March 1: Receive Life Book. Squeal!

March 4: Most recent post, wherein I detail our recent home study visit, efforts to ruin said visit, and state, "I'm not worried we will be deemed unfit parents, but I am kind of worried we will be deemed unfit parents. You know?"

March 7: Asked by CPO to "turn in our book" two months early. Final step before being chosen by a birthmother. Attempt to argue, "I wasn't going to turn it in until school was out. I'm not ready for that, because I'm finishing teaching and stuff first. And, the home study isn't finished, we're still waiting on fingerprint reports." Am assured the home study will be fine and the book will only be shown to girls who are due after school is out, and no drop ins (surprises at the hospital, baby is already born, come get it). Feel better about it, still following my rules, still in control.
March 7: Mail book, freak out a little.

March 12: Wonder if our book has been received. Confirm by annoying my CPO assistant via text.
March 12: Order gender neutral travel system because we'll need it soon (not sooner than two months!) and it was a good deal on Amazon.

March 12: Jarad's birthday. Did we even DO anything? :/
March 13: Realize we're kind of "half-way waiting" because we could be chosen by a birthmom now, but there are some caveats because of my rules about finishing school. So, no immediately pending births and no drop ins.
March 14: Receive travel system. Amazon is awesome. Assemble travel system. Jarad is awesome.

March 17: Go to Buy Buy Baby. Stalk crib/dresser I want for the millionth time. Finally purchase crib/dresser.

March 20: Approached by friend about twin girl newborns waiting at a hospital. No qualms whatsoever about turning her down. They must not be meant for me, because they don't follow my rules. No way am I leaving my class before the school year is over.

March 21: Worry to Jarad that our book must be terrible. We haven't even been interviewed yet and they've had the book for at LEAST 9 days. We must be total losers. Jarad rolls eyes and reminds me that we put limits on who they could show our book to and I need to chill out. States, "Come on. I knew you would freak out about this eventually, but after just nine days? What have I gotten myself into? This could be a looooooong adoption process."

March 23: Receive phone call from CPO. A birthmother wants to interview us. Begin to shake. Unable to form words correctly. So excited. One thing though... she's due before school lets out. Like, May 14th, but probably more like May 7th. They know my rules, but something (God) told them to show her my book anyway. She looked at it for 30 seconds and knew she wanted to meet us. Is that okay? YES! IT'S OKAY! I'LL FIGURE IT OUT! IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS BEFORE SCHOOL IS OUT! NO BIGGIE! My rules are thrown out the window as soon as I feel it's "the one". 

March 24: Meet birthmom (and entire birthfamily) at Chimi's on Cherry Street after church. Things seemed to go well. Ten minutes after getting in our car, and before Jarad and I could even start discussing how we think things went, we receive the following text.

March 24: We needed to go to Target anyway, so we picked up a few things for the baby (it's a girl by the way). I wanted to send a pic to Tamara, so I made Jarad hold them. I told him to smile. This is what I got. He's so silly. He's actually over the moon about the baby. OVER THE MOON.

March 24: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

March 25: Jarad goes out of town. I go to my parents' house. While telling them the good news, Jarad sends me a picture. He's out shopping for our baby girl on his free time and needs to know what size to buy. Sooooo sweet. I'm falling for him all over again.

March 26: Fingerprints arrive. THREE WEEKS EARLY! Miracle!!

March 27: Tell my coworkers, my students, their parents, and the world via live announcements, email, and Facebook. I worry that my students and parents will be mad at me for "ditching them". They're not. They are extremely supportive. Sigh.

March 27: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

March 28: Receive first gift from a student. So sweet.

March 29: Items like this begin coming from my students and warming my heart. Oh, and her name is Myra. Demyra Hope. Demyra chosen by her birthparents, approved by us. Hope chosen by us, approved by her birthparents.

March 29: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

April 1: Wish I would have waited until today to announce to the world. Then people (especially my mom) wouldn't believe it because of April Fool's. Hilarity would have ensued. Darn.

April 2: Order the one-and-only perfect chair for her room. Won't be here for 2 months. Yikes!

April 2: Bought some fabric so my mom could make her bedding! Squeal!

April 3: Spruced up her dresser to make it girlier!

April 3: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

April 4: Attend OB appointment with birthmom. Baby will definitely come earlier than expected. Rather than May 14th, doc is thinking more like April 25th. Holy cow. That is soon.

April 4: Began receiving adorable little gifts from friends and family.

April 5: Spruced up her lampshade to make it less boring!

April 5: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

April 8: Pinterest project to give her room a light-cancelling shade. After several failed attempts, I finally WIN!

April 8: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

April 9: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

April 10: Begin working on lesson plans for a long term sub. Lament that my expertise seems to be boiled down to about 5,000 words.

April 10: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

April 11: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

April 12: Closet and drawers are getting stocked up!

April 12: Worry that we'll be unpicked.

April 13: Finally find the time and the words to write this post. Wowee.

******************

A special note: As with any adoption (and bio-birth for that matter), there is uncertainty. Please pray for Jarad and I, that God will teach us grace, compassion, and patience as we navigate through this process. Please pray for the birthfamily, that they will continue to make choices that are within God's best plan for Myra (be that with us or not). Please pray for Myra, that she will be healthy and happy, at birth and forever after, wherever she may be.

I'm 100% Sure We'll Probably Get Approved for Adoption. Maybe.

Our all-important home study visit was yesterday. Here's a quick super-long recount of how it went, including the story of our silly little distraction/fiasco/pickle.
For weeks/months/years I had the same thoughts: I wasn't worried we would be deemed unfit parents, but I was kind of worried we would be deemed unfit parents. You know?

THE BACKSTORY
I'm sure it goes without saying that I was pretty worked up yesterday. But this story actually begins two weeks ago, while Jarad was in Europe for business.
He was gone for 6 nights, and I barely slept a wink. Since he's been traveling more lately (still not too much, but more) I've noticed that I can NOT sleep while he's gone. Part of the reason is because the bed is so very lonely without him to nuggle* me, but the other part of the reason is because I just refuse to go to bed when he's gone. I don't even want to go in there without him, because that is OUR space, and when he's not there, the whole room is empty.
So, while he was gone, I made myself super busy working on home study stuff. I finalized and mailed the various background check forms and fingerprint cards. I stayed up until 4:30am to complete our life book. I interviewed various family members to get the info I needed to answer pages and pages of questions for our autobiographical sketches. I visited my mom. I visited my friend Teresa. I invited Kent and Valerie over... twice. Just for kicks, I made a second Shutterfly book with our wedding pics. Through it all, I missed Jarad.
When he finally returned, I listened to him tell me all about London for about 20 minutes seconds or so and then I launched into a detailed description of all the productive things I did while he was gone. He added his two cents to our life book. He helped me fill in some holes for his autobiographical sketch. I ordered the life books, and began counting the days to the home study visit.
In the meantime, we did laundry to get him caught back up from his trip, knowing that the day after the home study he'd be gone again, this time on a plane to Nebraska.
Here's the thing. He works from home, so 95% of his time is spent in blue jeans, athletic shorts, or even pajamas. For those occasional weeks where he travels for meetings, he has several pairs of slacks, multiple Oxford shirts, and two blazers. He hasn't had a need for a professional wardrobe until now, and even now it's so sporadic, so we've just had the bare minimum and it's no big deal.
On Wednesday we were both off work to have our physicals for the home study requirement. On our way back to the house, we dropped off his dry cleaning so it would definitely be ready when he turned around and left again right after the home study visit.
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were consumed with day-to-day life, work and home study prep. We didn't have to do that much. Mainly some paperwork finalizations (detailed financial info, printing monthly statements from the bank and every creditor ever, copying marriage licenses, etc.). I really think our house is usually pretty clean, but for this visit I really wanted it to "shine" a bit. Nothing much, just a really good mop job and using actual Pledge instead of just a Swiffer duster. Stuff like that.
Oh, and hand-wringing. Lots of hand-wringing.
I kept thinking, "After the home study, we'll get him packed for Nebraska, go to bed early and be totally good to go for the 6am flight on Monday morning."
Okay, now we're to yesterday. I woke up super-dee-duper hyper/anxious/happy/worried about the impending home study visit. We planned to fill our morning with the usual Sunday stuff: church, life group, brunch, etc. Then, we'd be home an hour or two before the big moment when the social worker arrived. This would be the perfect amount of time to allow just enough counter re-wiping and not too much hand-wringing.

THE DISTRACTION
About 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave the house, a thought struck me. Not just any thought, but a very important, doomsday kind of thought. We didn't get Jarad's clothes from the cleaners. His (nearly) entire business-y wardrobe was locked at the cleaners until 7am on Monday morning, two hours after he wanted to be dropped off at the airport.
Oh, crap. Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap.
Let me spell some things out for you. Obviously, the cleaner was closed... because it was Sunday. The million pairs of jeans in the closet weren't going to cut it. Stores with clothes we prefer didn't open until noon... because it was Sunday. We had to have appropriate clothes for his trip. We needed to get back home for the highly necessary counter re-re-wiping and hand-wringing.
Jarad's assessment: "We seem to be in a bit of a pickle."
So... yeah. We decided to at least try to find an entire week's wardrobe at Kohl's, since they opened earliest. We still had time for church, because we go to the early service, but we decided to skip the life-group-and-brunch plan to implement the Jarad-needs-professional-clothes plan.
By the end, we had a ton of laughs, we'd spent $250 on stuff that he really probably needed anyway, and we still had time for 90+ minutes of counter re-re-re-wiping and hand-wringing.

THE ACTUAL VISIT
By the time the social worker actually got to our house, we had conquered the pickle, re-re-re-re-wiped the counters, and checked the front window exactly 48,984 times.
She did a five minute walk-through of our house, where she discovered exactly zero meth labs. Even though I was almost entirely sure we didn't have any meth labs, I was still relieved to have that part out of the way. But it only took five minutes, so I kept thinking that maybe soon she would get back up and really, really look for meth labs. But she never did.
Nope. The next 210+ minutes were all about the interviews, and holy cow.
That would take forever to describe, so I'm just going to share the highlights.
When we shut the door after walking her out, I realized for the first time that I had a POUNDING headache in my entire frontal lobe. One second I was fine, "Bye! Drive safely!" Then the door shut and all I wanted was a dark room and a cold compress. I mentioned it to Jarad and he had an instant diagnosis.
Jarad: Your brain is STARVED for oxygen because you didn't shut up for three and a half hours!!
Me: What? What do you mean?
Jarad: You talked 90 miles a minute from the moment she walked in the door to the moment she left.
Me: Well. I was just answering her questions!
Jarad: Yes. ALL of them. Before she could even finish asking them. Or even finish thinking of them.
Me: I guess I was pretty nervous.
Jarad: Understatement of the year. What did you have to be nervous about?
Me: Nothing. And everything. Oh man, my head hurts!
Jarad: Yeah, three and a half hours of nervous rambling will do that to you.
I'm pretty certain she thought I was a nervous wreck, but you know... the endearing kind. The whack-job-but-means-well kind.
Don't believe me? Think Jarad was too harsh? If you know him in real life, you know he loves me to pieces. If you know me in real life, you know he was right on the freaking money.
Need more proof? Here's a couple of direct quotes from the afternoon.

DIRECT QUOTE #1
"I've been so nervous about this home study. The past two weeks every time I walk by our open windows I wonder if you're watching us. Like, 'Oh, look at her ratty pajamas' and 'They're mopping three nights before the visit? I'm certain they're normally super-filthy' and stuff like that." (Cue nervous laughter from me, bafflement from the social worker, and a great big facepalm from Jarad.)

DIRECT QUOTE #2
"Do you ever get the feeling that people are just kind of putting on a show for you and they're actually not nearly as great as they act?" (Awkward pause.) "I mean! Not us! We're totally being real with you right now. Totally!I'm just saying, hypothetically, other people might do that... Not us." (Cue another facepalm from Jarad.)

THE AFTERMATH

After the doozy of a day we had yesterday, I really do feel good about the home study. Now we just have to wait for the background checks to be processed and for the social worker to write up her report.

And here's how I truly feel right now. I'm not worried we will be deemed unfit parents, but I am kind of worried we will be deemed unfit parents. You know?

*Yes, it sounds weird. But it's just how we say snuggle.

Keep Scrolling If You're the Worst Person Ever

Recently I posted this status on Facebook.

It was in response to the 1,000,000,000th "like this" post I had seen that day. You know, the ones with the cutest puppy ever that say something like, "Like this post if you hate cancer. Keep scrolling if you want this puppy to starve to death." 

On principle, I refuse to "like" that stuff. It's as if the ultra annoying world of email forwards has invaded Facebook, and I'm soooo done with it. I used to get to read people's thoughts, see an occasional pic of their kiddo, and find out interesting information about changes in their lives.

Now? I'm forced to admit that I love cancer. I hate all beautiful things. I hate my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my kids that I don't even have, my husband, dogs, cats, puppies, kittens, and cake. I'm simultaneously for gun control and against it. I don't even like God and Jesus and angels and stuff. My feed is bombarded with pics like this:

This one really isn't as bad as the next two. Some business just wants free advertising and name recognition. It's not stupid, really. It's just... annoying. But my brain has become pretty accustomed to scrolling past stuff like this and seeking text rather than pics.

This next one is a doozy. I've seen it in several different forms, and it never ceases to amaze me.

102,000 people have attempted to see what happens. ONE HUNDRED AND TWO THOUSAND.

I'll admit, I've never actually followed the directions on photos like this. Part of the reason for this is because I know that absolutely nothing will happen and it certainly isn't "insane". The other part of the reason is that I know that if I WERE to follow those directions all the people on my feed would see that I thought it would happen and would judge me as harshly as I've just done. Oh, and on second thought, maybe that PS line is true... It IS insane to think that a comment on FB will make something magical happen.

Last, but certainly not least, we have the truest form of guilt trip ever. See below.

First thought: Oh, what cute pics of a matching mom and daughter. Second thought: Oh geez, it wants me to "like" it. Third thought: There's gonna be a guilt trip attached! Fourth thought (while rolling eyes): Oh my, this is just ridiculous.
A Message for Mom: I love you. But you better watch out, because I didn't like that pic on Facebook. And I don't think Jennifer did, either. Also, I step on cracks all the time, but you always seem to be okay, so that's a relief.

Jarad Speak

In our 12 years of marriage, I have been disappointed in myself for slowly allowing myself to say some things I never thought I'd say. Most notably, "y'all". I still cringe a little sometimes, but I still say it.
Below is a list of Jarad Speak words I really hope never enter my vocabulary, but just in case, here are the definitions.
Ain't: It is a word, for Jarad. It means "is not", "am not", "will not". Variants: Cain't.
Babe: Me. Often a term of endearment, but sometimes a plea for me to not crash into the car in front of us, or the curb, etc. IE: "Baaaaaaaabe!!!"
Bull calf: A calf that is a boy.
Coon: Raccoon. Does not understand these words are one in the same.
Cow feed: Food for a cow.
Cow pasture: The biggest of the pastures. Lots of cows there. Also a goat. Formerly, various donkeys.
Dog feed: Food for a dog.
Dun: A bill from a creditor.
Feller: A male acquaintance. Variants: Lady feller.
Fren: Me, derived from "Friend". Usually shouted from across the house.
Hay the cows: Feed the cows; give the cows hay.
Heifer: A virgin girl cow, I think.
Heybabe: His most frequent greeting when answering a call from me.
Hog lot: The fenced area between the cow pasture and the hog pasture. No hogs are stored there.
Hog pasture: The pasture most commonly used for making calves wean from their mother's milk. No hogs are (currently) stored there.
Jackleg: Someone that is an idiot, a dummy. Also: me, after yet another speeding ticket.
Kye-oat: Coyote. In his world, the only animal of this kind that is actually called a kye-oat-ee is Wile E. Coyote, and he rarely speaks of him. All others are kye-oats.
Otta: Ought to. As in, "I otta hay the cows 'fore the snow comes."*
Pen: The smallest of the fenced in areas. Usually used for giving cows shots or loading them into the trailer.
Possum: Opossum. Does not understand these words are one in the same.
Run: Ruin. Unaware that this word has two syllables. When dating it took us 10+ minutes for me to understand that "run the engine" didn't mean "make the engine go".
Snuz: Past tense of "sneeze".
Squz: Past tense of "squeeze". I know, I know. He just won't stop saying it.
Town: Anywhere with stoplights. As in, "Get your coat, we're goin' to town."
Turtle hull: The trunk of a car.

*I must relate our recent conversation regarding "otta"...
Jarad: We otta go to the store after this.
Me: Otta?
Jarad: Yeah, we otta.
Me: Do you even know what two words that is supposed to be?
Jarad: [thinking]
Jarad: Or ta?
Me: Hahahahahaha!! No!!!
Jarad: I don't know!
Me: Friend! Come on!
Jarad: [thinking]
Jarad: Ought??? To???
Me: Yes!!! Hahahahahaha! Or ta!! Hahahahaha!!

Wonder, Remember, Obsess

Yeah, yeah... it's been a while forever. Sorry about that. Busy, busy!

Here's something I've been wondering about lately... With the proliferation of smart phones, tablets, and SMARTBoard kind of stuff, when are websites going to stop saying "Click here" and start saying "Touch here" or "Tap here"? I mean, even on laptops we don't really "click" anymore, what with the track pad technology stuff. Just a thought.
What? I didn't say it was an interesting thought. Just a plain ol' why-can't-I-focus-my-brain-energy-on-more-important-stuff kind of thought.
***********************
I have a birthmark on the left side of my face, right by the outer corner of my eye. It's pretty hard to see without specifically looking for it, and my hair covers it up half the time, but it's there.
I found it in junior high. You know, that period where you just sit on the bathroom counter and pick at stare at your face for what seems like hours on end? Well, that's what I did, anyway. (It's not like I was going on dates! Even if my parents had allowed dating at that age... I wouldn't have had one. Haha!)

I mean, really. This is a pretty fair representation of not only how I looked, 

but also how I acted in junior high. Yeah, nobody was going to date that.

Anyway, so I found this birthmark. But I thought it was a bruise. And I got a bit excited, thinking that I would have a cool black eye kind of thing. But where and how did I get this bruise? And why didn't it hurt? I kept poking at it with my finger and eventually it did start to hurt a little. Ah, that's more like it.

The next day and the next day, it stayed there. And continued to hurt more and more every time I stabbed it with my pointer finger.
Eventually, I began to wonder if I had some sort of leukemia kind of syndrome where I got bruises that lasted a while but never hurt. Except that was the only one.
At some point I asked my mom about it and she said, "Yeah, it's a birthmark." Like it was no big deal. Well, I thought it was a pretty big deal. And I kind of liked it.
I'm not sure, but I think the desire to show my birthmark coupled with my sheer annoyance at having to schlep all that powdery crap around all the time is what ultimately ended my less-than-two-year experiment with all things make up. To this day, I don't wear anything more than Burt's Bees!
Although I don't care about showing off my birthmark anymore either. Now, I'm just lazy not interested in spending the money or taking the time to wear makeup.
***********************

That's it for tonight. The rest of my evening will probably be filled with rebuilding my iTunes playlists because my current ones are starting to get on my nerves. I don't even know why, but I just feel compelled to do a clean sweep and reorganize them all. My brain is weird.